I found the answer

Finally, late night last night I found the answer.
It was not bother me at all, but all of a sudden, the answers just pop up:

What I've been consistent for the past 7 years?
1. I still trust him, up to today.  After what he has done to me
2. I haven't given up on our marriage.

I am so surprise, the answer is very negative.

1. ...if you had trust me... we wouldn't have resulted to this,... in the past you had lack the motivation to understand me and my beliefs and friends...

 

2. Have not given up on marriage on paper, does not mean they are still mentally together with each other.  There are many couples stay together because of paper or stay married,... but already lived separately or giving up on each other under one roof...

 

Now, is it some kind of "pride" and fear of been looked down... for this reason of staying together?

Now, is it some kind of "security" for the reason of staying together?

Now, is it "other" reasons for staying together because...?

 

 

I want you to be true to yourself.  I also tell myself that as well...  AND my belief and practice that I been sharing with you because it gave me confidence and courage to face this world.  It taught me how to extend my care beyond my comfort zone at times.  When I can live for others, and created positive changes to them, it made me happier.  Also at times, I also need my private space to live for myself too, so I can rejuvenate.

 

Be patient, TRY to see with your "open" mind, listen with your "open" heart, think with "open and caring" mind.  Feel what your heart and mind is telling you. 

 

Keep in mind, now is only talk and exchanges, when the actual event comes...  you still have to run the marathon on your own.

money

How do people love money over everything.
Money can buy you happiness for someone in different term - you are happy, you can buy a car that drive you around, and you need money to buy a car.

Money can ruin everything: family, marriage and friendship.
I saw many families who are fighting over someone's money or wealth.  It's NOT belong to them, it's given for free and there is still fighting and argument within families member.  There is no more LOVE and UNDERSTANDING when it comes to wealth.

There are only three problems within families and people life:
1. Family
2. Health
3. Financial.

If your family is wealthy, there will be either health or family issues. There is always something. 

Money is a very sensitive issue right now, since it can make us to become a different person.
My family is not wealthy, and they are not happy because they always short of money.  Luckily, they are healthy so No need to spend money on the doctor.  There is little family issue, but manageable.

How do you handle a situation when your husband is very secretive when it comes to money.  He won't tell you how much his salary, his bonus or even his 401K.  And his wife might NOT even his beneficiary, it's his family,  how does the wife feel?
In addition, he wants the wife to be very independent and capable.

Lately, this money issue is becoming a big topic, and I try to see the big pictures with positive view.  But someone keeps pouring negative view to me. . .
I need to be positive to handle this things, things are falling apart and I need to dive alone,  drink the water and rescue myself.
The more I try to understand and see the whole pictures, things are getting complicated and I can't figure things out, I keep asking myself the same question like repetitive dreams.

By the way. . . I've been having these same dreams, different setting, but same meaning that connects to my question:
1. old people who are very unpleasant look.
2. beautiful flower - monster to be
3. cute creature - monster to be

2nd Typhoon

Another typhoon is coming and government declare no school and no work today, Aug 2, 2012

What's another boring and lonely day to spend in this room, end up writing a blog and doing some research for my own things. .
Supposed to study and catching up what are left behind but I have no motivation and low concentration at this moment, with all the noise from outside, like ghost tries to go into the holes.

What's unlucky day. 
The hot water dispenser at the dorm is broken, and because of typhoon, no one can come to fix it.  Finally, 7 eleven or convenient store was the only option. 
flooding and big rain like a pouring water constantly.  I walked and the flood was higher than my ankle.  7eleven was packed with people and almost no food to buy, no sandwiches, no sushi and no noodle, all left are salad - who want to eat salad in these cold weather?
It's time for 7eleven Oden, which is surprisingly good.

Joe called, it's nice of him to call and check on me regular basis lately.  We did not talk as such since we try to avoid argument and conflict, writing email and exchange ideas are better. 

We found out, there are many things that we are the same, but we have different approach of doing things. 
I like to do it quietly and once I got the whole pictures then I will share. . . I feel I don't want to waste people times with my ideas what are not certain.
He, on the other hand, like to discuss things in advance and try to figure things out by talking to people to get idea before he moves forward. 

We might have the same back ground of families in financial wise, the up and down of our parents; however, there are also big differences in the families view and financial burden.  How are each of our parents were in the peak and had the best of all and never raise again.

He wants each of us to be independent; however, people might view that he is the man, and he should have supported his family without any reasons of being independent and who make more.