I found the answer

Finally, late night last night I found the answer.
It was not bother me at all, but all of a sudden, the answers just pop up:

What I've been consistent for the past 7 years?
1. I still trust him, up to today.  After what he has done to me
2. I haven't given up on our marriage.

I am so surprise, the answer is very negative.

1. ...if you had trust me... we wouldn't have resulted to this,... in the past you had lack the motivation to understand me and my beliefs and friends...

 

2. Have not given up on marriage on paper, does not mean they are still mentally together with each other.  There are many couples stay together because of paper or stay married,... but already lived separately or giving up on each other under one roof...

 

Now, is it some kind of "pride" and fear of been looked down... for this reason of staying together?

Now, is it some kind of "security" for the reason of staying together?

Now, is it "other" reasons for staying together because...?

 

 

I want you to be true to yourself.  I also tell myself that as well...  AND my belief and practice that I been sharing with you because it gave me confidence and courage to face this world.  It taught me how to extend my care beyond my comfort zone at times.  When I can live for others, and created positive changes to them, it made me happier.  Also at times, I also need my private space to live for myself too, so I can rejuvenate.

 

Be patient, TRY to see with your "open" mind, listen with your "open" heart, think with "open and caring" mind.  Feel what your heart and mind is telling you. 

 

Keep in mind, now is only talk and exchanges, when the actual event comes...  you still have to run the marathon on your own.

money

How do people love money over everything.
Money can buy you happiness for someone in different term - you are happy, you can buy a car that drive you around, and you need money to buy a car.

Money can ruin everything: family, marriage and friendship.
I saw many families who are fighting over someone's money or wealth.  It's NOT belong to them, it's given for free and there is still fighting and argument within families member.  There is no more LOVE and UNDERSTANDING when it comes to wealth.

There are only three problems within families and people life:
1. Family
2. Health
3. Financial.

If your family is wealthy, there will be either health or family issues. There is always something. 

Money is a very sensitive issue right now, since it can make us to become a different person.
My family is not wealthy, and they are not happy because they always short of money.  Luckily, they are healthy so No need to spend money on the doctor.  There is little family issue, but manageable.

How do you handle a situation when your husband is very secretive when it comes to money.  He won't tell you how much his salary, his bonus or even his 401K.  And his wife might NOT even his beneficiary, it's his family,  how does the wife feel?
In addition, he wants the wife to be very independent and capable.

Lately, this money issue is becoming a big topic, and I try to see the big pictures with positive view.  But someone keeps pouring negative view to me. . .
I need to be positive to handle this things, things are falling apart and I need to dive alone,  drink the water and rescue myself.
The more I try to understand and see the whole pictures, things are getting complicated and I can't figure things out, I keep asking myself the same question like repetitive dreams.

By the way. . . I've been having these same dreams, different setting, but same meaning that connects to my question:
1. old people who are very unpleasant look.
2. beautiful flower - monster to be
3. cute creature - monster to be

2nd Typhoon

Another typhoon is coming and government declare no school and no work today, Aug 2, 2012

What's another boring and lonely day to spend in this room, end up writing a blog and doing some research for my own things. .
Supposed to study and catching up what are left behind but I have no motivation and low concentration at this moment, with all the noise from outside, like ghost tries to go into the holes.

What's unlucky day. 
The hot water dispenser at the dorm is broken, and because of typhoon, no one can come to fix it.  Finally, 7 eleven or convenient store was the only option. 
flooding and big rain like a pouring water constantly.  I walked and the flood was higher than my ankle.  7eleven was packed with people and almost no food to buy, no sandwiches, no sushi and no noodle, all left are salad - who want to eat salad in these cold weather?
It's time for 7eleven Oden, which is surprisingly good.

Joe called, it's nice of him to call and check on me regular basis lately.  We did not talk as such since we try to avoid argument and conflict, writing email and exchange ideas are better. 

We found out, there are many things that we are the same, but we have different approach of doing things. 
I like to do it quietly and once I got the whole pictures then I will share. . . I feel I don't want to waste people times with my ideas what are not certain.
He, on the other hand, like to discuss things in advance and try to figure things out by talking to people to get idea before he moves forward. 

We might have the same back ground of families in financial wise, the up and down of our parents; however, there are also big differences in the families view and financial burden.  How are each of our parents were in the peak and had the best of all and never raise again.

He wants each of us to be independent; however, people might view that he is the man, and he should have supported his family without any reasons of being independent and who make more.

Effort

Efforts to understand each other, learns a brand new thing each day and make the best of it.

He is more careful in a way he expresses himself, he tries not to hurt others’ feeling

Lets him practice alone or I try to understand and join him in regular basis

One needs to sacrifice then understanding come in within

He won’t let me die on the street

Yes, he went to Taiwan to gang up with his family to attach me at one

There is no guarantee on option 1, and I did not try to know him at all (even I love him)

His family said I am having fun in Taiwan, and left him alone in USA, I am taking advantages from him

Joe stays behind to make sure I have income in case I can’t find any job when I am back to states

He knows that long distance relationship will not work out

Both of us have to be in the same page: understanding and communicate each other

His families is everything and meant a lot to him

Try to make changes that will be beneficial for us and families

We need to learn to digest, analyze and do accordingly

Married is all about adjustment and learn a new thing each day

He is a person who can have a deep conversation without judging people

                I am a person with low attention and low concentration

                Learn to act mature not only benefit ourselves but also spouses and future business

Try to understand his belief and why he does what.

Hope

Kisah 4 Lilin

Ada 4 lilin yang sedang menyala. Sedikit demi sedikit habis meleleh. Suasana begitu sunyi sehingga terdengarlah percakapan mereka.

Lilin yang pertama berkata: “Aku adalah Damai."
"Namun manusia tak mampu menjagaku. Maka lebih baik aku mematikan diriku saja!” Demikianlah sedikit demi sedikit sang lilin pertama padam.

Lilin yang kedua berkata: “Aku adalah Iman.”
“Sayang aku tak berguna lagi. Manusia tak mau mengenalku. Tak ada gunanya aku tetap menyala.”                                                                                                                                                Begitu selesai bicara, tiupan angin memadamkannya.

Dengan sedih giliran lilin ketiga bicara: ”Aku adalah Cinta.”
“Tak mampu lagi aku untuk tetap menyala. Manusia tidak lagi memandang dan mengganggapku berguna. Mereka saling membenci. Bahkan membenci mereka yang mencintainya, membenci keluarganya.”
Tanpa menunggu waktu lama, maka matilah lilin ketiga.

Tanpa terduga…

Seorang anak saat itu masuk ke dalam kamar, dan melihat ketiga lilin telah padam.   Karena takut akan kegelapan itu, ia berkata: “Eh apa yang terjadi?? Kalian harus tetap menyala. Aku takut akan kegelapan!”  
Lalu ia mengangis tersedu-sedu.

Lalu dengan terharu lilin keempat berkata:
"Jangan takut. Janganlah menangis. Selama aku masih ada dan menyala, kita tetap dapat selalu menyalakan ketiga lilin lainnya."

”Akulah HARAPAN.“

Dengan mata bersinar, sang anak mengambil Lilin Harapan, lalu menyalakan kembali ketiga lilin lainnya.

Apa yang tidak pernah mati hanyalah HARAPAN. Jangan sampai kita kehilangan HARAPAN.

Penemuan terbesar adalah bila orang-orang sanggup mengubah keadaan mereka dengan mengubah cara berpikir mereka.

i am so awake

Seriously, it’s 2:18 am and I am so awake now.

I suppose to use this opportunity to study, but I ended up crying alone thinking about my marriage.

A night Mare and a dream – I can’t believe what he did for me, very unreasonable.  I am so tired for being alone here in this foreign country even I chose it in the beginning of the years.  Things were falling apart and I can’t figure things out myself.  I am tired of crying, how many litters of tear do I have?

I guess there is a part of him I can’t understand, he is very tired of being with me, but he gives me a chance where there is no chance.  He is SICK of me. . .

I felt betrayed by the person I love and trust the most, seems like everyone is against me, my life is upside down, and my heart is beating for uncertainty, my body is turning down, my eyes are tearing, my stomach is complaining, and so on. . . but importantly my heart is crying for help, I cry out loud for help.  Did I make a right decision? I kept asking the same questions over and over, but no answers:

1.       Is it fair and rational for involving families before he talks to me

       2.       Are his family and he being reasonable?

3.       Why is he giving up so early? It’s only five years and it’s the crucial period.

4.       Am I stupid or being dumb for NOT seeing the reality  

5.       can you please tell me the truth

6.       I am falling apart

Lord helps me, I cry and loudly call for your name for help.

I need his help, he is NOT here for me, I am his burden who cause all these things, I am the creators for his hate, his failures and his anger.  It's all my fault. . .

How can I live my life like this?

HELP ME PLEASE. . .

random friends

God bless me with friends, friends who are there for me.

I am alone in Taiwan in this foreign country with NO closed friends, but I am able to put together and have strengths to live on my own with many thoughts and sufferings.

I am still thinking about the two options, I have no regret for choosing option one.  I just wonder why? Option two is NOT even clear, that option – I can’t describe when he said short pain is better than long pain.  My mind is not clear and therapist might be a good option when I can talk to a stranger with no hurting feeling and do NOT take side.

Today,

1.       I went for lunch with Ying Shin, so glad that we met each other on the way out from Feng Chia University.  I guess God did not let me to have lunch alone, he sent someone to cheer me up.  Eat with someone is better than alone.

2.       Went swimming with Kaoru, she was very nice for giving me a ride on her motorcycle to get a swimming cap. Original plan was to go to Carrefour, and we ended at small shop around night market.  I was so blessed that God sent Kaoru to accompany me.

3.       I was so cheerful when my head was up and see Kaoru, but once my head was down in the water I can see the problems I am facing right now.  So painful, the pain for being alone and no support from the loved one because the problem was dropped on me like within one blink.

4.       Chiaki came late, but it’s a joy for seeing her and having a nice funny chat with these two Japanese friends I just met less than three months.

5.       Against. . . thanks God for sending these friends, I know you care and love me.  I might NOT realize it, but they were there, . . . they can’t see or know my problems, but thanks for being there for me.

6.       I really hate my new hobby, writing this re ji makes me cry now and then.

burst into tears

I guess I was at my worse position, it’s all my faults.

I can’t take it anymore; I just burst in tears at the dining table for what he had done for me today. He just put me in corner with all eyes were looking at the direction.  I guess he had no pain feeling for me. Xue ai, Aem, Jennie, Mami and Joe were all against me, I try to think positively but I am super sensitive right now.  I like Aem, she is a very nice and full of understanding woman.

Just remember:

1.       Your husband is NOT your garbage for the food you can’t finish.

2.       Ask for permission, say nicely and sweetly.

3.       Be strong and hard work NOW and Enjoy later

4.       Life is like a circle, up and down (the nicest person was Aem, I like her and thank you Aem)

5.       If I care and love my husband, I should NOT ask him to bring that heavy luggage.  I was hesitated to ask him in the first place, but he is still my husband.

6.       You can’t control a person

7.       Blood is thinker than water

      è I don’t like my new hobby; my eyes are tired from crying and no more tears to drop.  

è All I can do now, let my re ji know how I felt.

è Thanks you for Bea’s called and Jenny’s support.

è Keep thinking why and why. . . I am useless at this point.

è Feel like to color my hair to blond and that will be nice.

Sometimes I don’t know what!

Today, . . .

      -          If I called to early without waiting = NO Patience and Selfish and do NOT want to wait

-          If I kept waiting = was I at the right place? Where was everybody?

-          coincidence, I was waiting in front of the hotpot place since Joe told me it’s a hotpot restaurant, seem like I was being condemned or tested.

Bye Joe Chen and see you in state as a different person.  Thank you for the two options you gave me, and thanks for NOT being here when I need you the most. . . again I cry again.

Try not being selfish; however, it’s NOT all my fault.  I was NOT the biggest problem, but I got the biggest hit.  Take it or leave it . . .

Sorry to say Joe, I still love and care for you.  There are a part of you inside me that I can’t just wipe.

YES, I am so stupid and NAÏVE, follow my heart but almost brainless.

no time for us to be alone

It’s a nice and calm days for all of us. No tense, no yelling and no crying.
We all went to ShengKang to see this rimboche, seriously, I like him.  He is a very funny, and speaking Chinese with Tibetan accents.  Man, his Chinese is away better than me, he’s been living in Taiwan for more than 10 years.  Spent little time together with Joe in the garden and checked on Zacadas.

Went to swim, Aem was very nice to treat us a swimming and spa.  I enjoyed the swimming: head up – be cheerful, head down – facing problems.

We had a great time to talk and try to understand my issues . . . I got it but I still don’t understand.  Why it happened when I was NOT around, less stress and less complaint from me.

I guess he sees himself for NOT needing a WIFE; he is a husband and a wife in one body.

Joe was able to come and see my dorm and my room, I really appreciate his effort.  I can’t express how much I miss him at those moments.  How about him? Six months being apart, . . . all I requested was a big hug.  Luckily, I can hold myself for not crying for being in this room with him but worthless and can’t do anything . 

It was a great joy for taking and showing him around my dorm, but time is very short, I hope the clock STOP clicking. . . three ladies were waiting in the car.

I gave him another hug and a kiss on his neck, his responded with a touch light lip kiss.  Yes, I am so appreciated.  Another light touch kiss before I sent him off

I am so uncomfortable with all these situations and I hate myself badly at that moment and blaming myself for my stupidity for not seeing and appreciating for having him in front of me. . .

It’s time to cry. . .

I cried and cried and called for God help.

Thanks for the song what faith can do.

Term and Condition

A. Marriage reconciliation

1. My BELIEF and PRACTICE is my freedom/choice, I will do according to my balance. You have no right to tell me what is right and wrong.

2. NO MORE topic about having kids

3. You are responsible for your financial outlooks, which apply to me as well. I will require signing of contract for “post-nuptials” agreement when you come back to America and decides to take this path. This is to protect your asset, and protect my asset.

4. I want to live separately, and you will move out for one year, Together with your ENTIRE belongings. We each will review and share about our self. If ONE of us decides NOT to continue, then we go our separate ways. If we BOTH decide to continue, then we will move out together.

5. Respect my space, and I’ll respect yours. YOU will respect my WHATEVER FRIENDS, just as I have for YOURS. YOU have no RIGHT TO TELL me who I can be with, or TELL any of my FRIENDS that you don’t like them for whatever reason.

6. I don’t want to hear your complaints about I put others(such as family, my belief, friends) before you

7. While you moved out, I will provide SOME financial help until you find a job(to be discuss in details).

B. SEPARATE WAYS AND DIVORCE

Remedy for Divorce – to be discuss in further if choose this path.

I want you to be happy, but I also don't want to live for other's dream or happiness and sacrifice my own.

Talk to your friends family if you have to...

You Need to be Honest with your self... short pain is better than long pain...

Life is too short to waste in sorrow...

I rather admit to my or our failure, and learn from the mistake, but not dwell in the past of "hate"

I don't want to "hate", as I have already have one family member that really really really do...

Even if you choose to go separate, I will still respect all friendship.

Warmest,

Joe

è  Is this fair? He flied out all the way to Taiwan to have discussion that is very unreasonable to me.  But I am so stupid; I guess I still have a hope for him.

è  I have only 2 days to decide with unclear condition, and yet I am against stupid enough to make my choice. He had two MONTHS to think about.  Mine was not 10% of his.

è  Is it fair? Life is NOT fair anyway, so please don’t talk about fairness in this life.  Do I choose my parents? I don’t.

è  All my hard working for the past 8 years was gone to the drain, no gratitude or being thankful for bringing $1500 a month to his families.  I guess they look at it as my rental fees.

è  What’s happened to him for the past six months? Joe said “I am a man and also a woman with a dick.”I want him to be capable so whoever left behind has the ability to go on in this life. He can’t see this and there is no point to argue since I am a SELFISH woman.

è  Again, all I can do just follow my heart and cry it out every night and then in this lonely room.  I am so lonely and all I can do just cry and cry and cry . . . crying is my new hobby now.

decision

Doomed Day – option and solution. Put all on the table.

Yes, he is in Taiwan and he makes an effort to fly back to Taiwan to settle things down. Feel like he is NOT my husband, he is a stranger.

Discussion with his mom was arranged in advance and all the decision was made by him with his mom approval. 
Is religious is the MAIN reason for me for not being happy? YES. . .

è “it’s gonna be tough” that the echo I heard from two ladies next to me.  I guess they have known what it will be. So sad I was the last person to know.

Should I lie for the sake of marriage?  I still love and care about him, but I just see him as a different person because I knew what he had decided.  I can see he is so stressing out; it also makes me so painful seeing him like that.

It’s so unfair for me, is it 100% my fault?

I was hit left and right by his families.

I was very upset to Jennie that day when she said Puja can be two – three hours. 

Life is full of surprises, and I don’t know how I can take it this time.

All I can do just cry it out for help every night in this small room.

God please give me strength and hope, that’s the only thing I can ask for

seeing myself in other

What's an expected weekend, Sasha and her mom are coming to taiwan for 3 days.
I was so happy to see them; I can forget my problems when I was with them - WRONG

During those days and my companion I can see myself in someone else. 

At that moments; I said, I don’t want to be a kind of person, it’s NOT how people should act or thinking.

I did not enjoy the weekend; I try to think positively and be neutral and try to smooth things out between a teenager and a mother.

So tired with all my problems and these, I guess we are human being and we are NOT perfect creation.  We have emotion, feeling, hearts and thinking, god creates us indulgently – almost perfect but NOT perfect, some with a little defects, some with a lot of defect.  But we have a choice to be better and patch those defects.

Tired. . . let me take HSR for 700NT more than 3x of the bus.

ARROGANCE AND PRIDE

From:	Joe C (xxxxxx@yahoo.com)
Sent:	Mon 7/09/12 11:17 AM

 DEWI,

Apparently your ARROGANCE AND PRIDE is more important.

I TOLD YOU that you HAVE two days to get back to me about your plans on return date, YOU did not get back to me at all.

My mom replied same day, even the TRAITOR replied the next day, … and YOU?!

You think I’m a Fuck’n JOKE, huh?!?! Or is this a JOKE to YOU?!?!

Keep in mind, I hope You ARE READY TO TELL YOUR OWN FAMILY About your current marriage, because EVERYONE from my sides including my friends, that I am CERTAINLY NOT HAPPY about mine. But I'm sure your families/friends back home will not BE SURPRISED. Because it has already happened to more than several kids(your sister and brother) in the family, common behavior. They should have realize what kind of IGNORANT SELFISH KIDS THEY HAVE PRODUCED, and Whatever embarrasing outcomes is EXPECTED ANYWAYS!!!

I AM MAKING EVERY EFFORT TO LET YOU SEE "WHO YOU ARE", AND TRYING EVERY EFFORT TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE. IF YOU DON'T FIND ANY OF THIS WORTHWHILE, READY YOURSELF WITH DIFFERENT PATH.

AM I selfish, arrogant and embarrassing?

I am so tired and tired.  Feel things around me are against me and I am alone in this country.

All I can do just to cry it out loud in this small box.

I don’t have a choice.

I did not choose my parents. 

I live the way I am  

But I have a choice which path I choose, I have the choice of what I am.

Typhoon day

No School today June 20, 2012 , yipeee even thought there is nothing special about it.
I was in the lobby almost all day to experience the 1st typhoon in Taiwan alone.

I was so surprise that people were still going out and buying food.  I guess they did not take things seriously, besides many building was around our dorm so it's not that serious.

I was so darn boring and end up go to 7eleven to buy a lot of junks and drink.
I meet and saw a lot of familiar faces from my dorm, i guess they are in the same page with me bored and hungry.

Overall, typhoon was not as bad as I thought it will be. . . 

International Food Festival

It's nice surrounded by international friends during international food festival. 

I was joining the thai group, and I am the only non thai people.
Our menu will be:
Thai chicken green curry $30NT
Roti Prata                         $15
Tom Yam Soup               $30
Thai Ice Tea                    $10

We need to make it ourself, and each of group get $1,000NT for free. 
We have more than 12 groups that serve main dishes and 4 groups for dessert.

The preparation was not easy since we need to cook at someone's house.  Majority of us are living at the dorm with no kitchen.  We found out that the kitchen had no light and very limited space to move around.  Many stuff in the kitchen with small and packed refrigerator. The worse part, it's hella messy and dirty.

It took all afternoon preparation from cutting, chopping and cooking.  I left around 11:15 pm since I was the only one living at different dorm. 

We arrived school on Friday morning around 8:30 am and hoping everything will turn out well.  Guess what! what's a day, our mentor teacher did not give us any direction what and what.  We are on our own! yes, we are experts so just DO IT!

Our food was sell very well and very fast, within an hour we were finished.  And by the time are done and ready to go to different classes to buy food, their food was gone too.
Did we prepare too little or people really to try since our dishes are so delicious and cheap.

All of us were dam tired.  It was a great experience and all of us make around $400NT

i don't like it!

I don't like it when people is not telling me and I found it myself.
It made me very very upset especially it's my closest person.

I might look strong but I am weak inside.
I cried at night for being lonely at this loneliness.

I share all my pains and joys in this room.

Mira and Julian

Yeap, Mira visited Taiwan for easter with Julian.

It was very nice of her to come all the way from Australia to visit me in Taiwan. I don't remember when is the last time I saw her, must more than a decade.  She has not changed a lot, sure I will recognize her if I saw her randomly in Indonesia.

She is best friend in Junior high, and she was the best student in our class.

We went to have a tea drink at Chuan Shui Tang, one of my favorite tea shop.
We talked a lot, so many things. . . I don't even remember anymore.

I brough them to traditional market in Taichung which is pretty clean compare to the one in Indonesia. And Julian was very exciting to see black chicken with head and claws.

I took them to Feng Chia night market, and Julian was able to smell stinky tofu a mile way.
The market was not that packed with people since we arrive pretty early around 5 pm, but according to Julian, it was packed.

We had a great time, but too bad, time was clicking.

Time to say good bye and I am sure I will miss her. The friendship continues and keeps in touch as always.

poor student

stinky tofu hot pot $100NT

Yes, I love Feng Chia night market. . . I love it!
But not anymore after living closed to Feng Chia.

Yes, the food is cheap and tasty, but NOT healthy.
I really miss my home meal cooked with my honey.
Let me share some of the food and the experience pictures

Duck bun $40NT

Yes, it's a bathroom bucket!

Duck Rice $50NT

Break time

Break time. . .
Time to play. . .
five days long weekend for Ching Ming Jie celebration.

Alishan is a famous mountain in Taiwan.
Seriously, it's not easy to manage 15 students for one day trip.
But overall was a fun and tiring trip.

KaoShiong, here we come.
It's a south part of Taiwan and the place is very very hot even on beginning of April.
The trip was a chaostic in the beginning since we were planning to take bus instead of HSR. 
We arrive Chao Ma station at 8 am.
However, no more buses until 12 pm and it would take roughtly 3 hours.
Darm it! we did not expect many were going to kaoshiong for Ching Ming Jie (respecting the elders and visiting the graveyard)

Finally, we decided to take HSR which is much faster yet much expensive

It's my first time staying in the hostel with a very very warm host. It's a brand new hostel, six bed in  a room with a bathroom. Each person was $330 with breakfast.

Kaoshiong was hella hot and humid, the city was so clean and has MRT.
We had hard time finding places to eat.

We rent a bike and cycled around the port and went to ZuJin to eat fresh seafood.

Happy Birthday, Honey

March 23, 2012

Happy Birthday Joe Chen. 
Sorry I can't be there to celebrate your birthday but you are always in my heart.

Hope you have a very great time and wish all your dreams come true. . .