I found the answer

Finally, late night last night I found the answer.
It was not bother me at all, but all of a sudden, the answers just pop up:

What I've been consistent for the past 7 years?
1. I still trust him, up to today.  After what he has done to me
2. I haven't given up on our marriage.

I am so surprise, the answer is very negative.

1. ...if you had trust me... we wouldn't have resulted to this,... in the past you had lack the motivation to understand me and my beliefs and friends...

 

2. Have not given up on marriage on paper, does not mean they are still mentally together with each other.  There are many couples stay together because of paper or stay married,... but already lived separately or giving up on each other under one roof...

 

Now, is it some kind of "pride" and fear of been looked down... for this reason of staying together?

Now, is it some kind of "security" for the reason of staying together?

Now, is it "other" reasons for staying together because...?

 

 

I want you to be true to yourself.  I also tell myself that as well...  AND my belief and practice that I been sharing with you because it gave me confidence and courage to face this world.  It taught me how to extend my care beyond my comfort zone at times.  When I can live for others, and created positive changes to them, it made me happier.  Also at times, I also need my private space to live for myself too, so I can rejuvenate.

 

Be patient, TRY to see with your "open" mind, listen with your "open" heart, think with "open and caring" mind.  Feel what your heart and mind is telling you. 

 

Keep in mind, now is only talk and exchanges, when the actual event comes...  you still have to run the marathon on your own.

money

How do people love money over everything.
Money can buy you happiness for someone in different term - you are happy, you can buy a car that drive you around, and you need money to buy a car.

Money can ruin everything: family, marriage and friendship.
I saw many families who are fighting over someone's money or wealth.  It's NOT belong to them, it's given for free and there is still fighting and argument within families member.  There is no more LOVE and UNDERSTANDING when it comes to wealth.

There are only three problems within families and people life:
1. Family
2. Health
3. Financial.

If your family is wealthy, there will be either health or family issues. There is always something. 

Money is a very sensitive issue right now, since it can make us to become a different person.
My family is not wealthy, and they are not happy because they always short of money.  Luckily, they are healthy so No need to spend money on the doctor.  There is little family issue, but manageable.

How do you handle a situation when your husband is very secretive when it comes to money.  He won't tell you how much his salary, his bonus or even his 401K.  And his wife might NOT even his beneficiary, it's his family,  how does the wife feel?
In addition, he wants the wife to be very independent and capable.

Lately, this money issue is becoming a big topic, and I try to see the big pictures with positive view.  But someone keeps pouring negative view to me. . .
I need to be positive to handle this things, things are falling apart and I need to dive alone,  drink the water and rescue myself.
The more I try to understand and see the whole pictures, things are getting complicated and I can't figure things out, I keep asking myself the same question like repetitive dreams.

By the way. . . I've been having these same dreams, different setting, but same meaning that connects to my question:
1. old people who are very unpleasant look.
2. beautiful flower - monster to be
3. cute creature - monster to be

Effort

Efforts to understand each other, learns a brand new thing each day and make the best of it.

He is more careful in a way he expresses himself, he tries not to hurt others’ feeling

Lets him practice alone or I try to understand and join him in regular basis

One needs to sacrifice then understanding come in within

He won’t let me die on the street

Yes, he went to Taiwan to gang up with his family to attach me at one

There is no guarantee on option 1, and I did not try to know him at all (even I love him)

His family said I am having fun in Taiwan, and left him alone in USA, I am taking advantages from him

Joe stays behind to make sure I have income in case I can’t find any job when I am back to states

He knows that long distance relationship will not work out

Both of us have to be in the same page: understanding and communicate each other

His families is everything and meant a lot to him

Try to make changes that will be beneficial for us and families

We need to learn to digest, analyze and do accordingly

Married is all about adjustment and learn a new thing each day

He is a person who can have a deep conversation without judging people

                I am a person with low attention and low concentration

                Learn to act mature not only benefit ourselves but also spouses and future business

Try to understand his belief and why he does what.

Hope

Kisah 4 Lilin

Ada 4 lilin yang sedang menyala. Sedikit demi sedikit habis meleleh. Suasana begitu sunyi sehingga terdengarlah percakapan mereka.

Lilin yang pertama berkata: “Aku adalah Damai."
"Namun manusia tak mampu menjagaku. Maka lebih baik aku mematikan diriku saja!” Demikianlah sedikit demi sedikit sang lilin pertama padam.

Lilin yang kedua berkata: “Aku adalah Iman.”
“Sayang aku tak berguna lagi. Manusia tak mau mengenalku. Tak ada gunanya aku tetap menyala.”                                                                                                                                                Begitu selesai bicara, tiupan angin memadamkannya.

Dengan sedih giliran lilin ketiga bicara: ”Aku adalah Cinta.”
“Tak mampu lagi aku untuk tetap menyala. Manusia tidak lagi memandang dan mengganggapku berguna. Mereka saling membenci. Bahkan membenci mereka yang mencintainya, membenci keluarganya.”
Tanpa menunggu waktu lama, maka matilah lilin ketiga.

Tanpa terduga…

Seorang anak saat itu masuk ke dalam kamar, dan melihat ketiga lilin telah padam.   Karena takut akan kegelapan itu, ia berkata: “Eh apa yang terjadi?? Kalian harus tetap menyala. Aku takut akan kegelapan!”  
Lalu ia mengangis tersedu-sedu.

Lalu dengan terharu lilin keempat berkata:
"Jangan takut. Janganlah menangis. Selama aku masih ada dan menyala, kita tetap dapat selalu menyalakan ketiga lilin lainnya."

”Akulah HARAPAN.“

Dengan mata bersinar, sang anak mengambil Lilin Harapan, lalu menyalakan kembali ketiga lilin lainnya.

Apa yang tidak pernah mati hanyalah HARAPAN. Jangan sampai kita kehilangan HARAPAN.

Penemuan terbesar adalah bila orang-orang sanggup mengubah keadaan mereka dengan mengubah cara berpikir mereka.

tiger

http://suite101.com/article/chinese-new-year-2010year-of-the-golden-tiger-a200042

Expectant mothers are in for a wild ride with baby Tiger on the way. Children born under this sign are brave and charming but can also be temperamental and rebellious.

February 14, 2010, marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Golden Tiger. There are twelve years in the Chinese zodiac cycle and each year is represented by a different animal. The Tiger is the third sign in the Chinese Zodiac. Like its animal counterpart, the Tiger is a sign of extreme courage and bravery. Having this animal sign in the house is believed to ward off the dangers of household fires, thieves, and ghosts.

The Year of the Tiger is traditionally associated with massive changes and social upheaval and this year will be no exception. Therefore, 2010 is very likely to be a volatile one, both on the world scene and on a personal level. Many changes are in store for the Tiger cub’s parents.

The Golden Tiger Child

For parents who are expecting a baby this year, get ready for some excitement and adventure. A Tiger baby will be full of fire and determination. Good luck trying to win an argument with this little kitty.

Children born under this sign tend to have two distinct personalities at either end of the spectrum; some are gentle and affectionate while others can be extremely selfish and quick-tempered. Yet others may have a combination of both extremes. It’s not that they mean to be. It’s just that they get so wrapped up in what they are doing that they forget to consider anyone else’s feelings.

Tiger children will be at their best in the springtime. This will be the best time for them to make big life changes. These children will be most compatible with the Chinese Zodiac signs of Pig or Dog. They will have the hardest time getting along with Monkey and relationships with Snake signs should be avoided. Their best partnerships will come from pairing up with the Horse as both have strong work ethics and strong personalities.

Positive Personality Traits of Zodiac Tiger Children

Tiger babies are generally very cheerful with a passion for life that keeps them forever curious. They have a taste for adventure and parents will need to be ever watchful of possibly dangerous escapades. Both boys and girls will enjoy being competitive and excel in athletics. In the classroom, Tiger children will advance in subjects that allow them the freedom to creatively express themselves. These kids will be natural born leaders and will be popular with their peers.

Children with a Tiger sign will never show fear in the face of adversity. They are persistent and tenacious, especially in achieving their goals. They can endure considerable physical hardship. Similar to their feline namesakes, they will have a proverbial endless number of lives and will recreate themselves over and over again until they feel that they have achieved a level of success. They are larger than life; warm-hearted extroverts. These children can’t help but be noticed and are often extremely good-looking.

Negative Aspects of Children Born in the Year of the Tiger

A restless spirit will keep Tigers wanting to roam free. They will love the outdoors and long to be outside. They hate to be confined, so put away that playpen and be prepared to keep up with their many adventures. Jealousy may be a problem with some Tiger children, as they will crave all of the attention parents can give.

They are so competitive that they can become depressed if they fail to complete a project or a given task. They can be controlling, hot-tempered and extremely self-serving. They will often act rashly and get themselves into trouble from not thinking about the consequences of their actions.

Parenting a Tiger Sign Child

Tiger children are very sensitive to criticism and tend to get their feelings hurt easily. Parents must take care to be gentle with their words. As they grow older, they will require freedom and personal space to express themselves. Parents will need to give them plenty of leeway while still keeping them safe.

Overall, a lesson that would serve Tiger children well is that one must practice moderation in all things. Once these kitties can find their center and direct their power and energy toward focused endeavors, they will be able to accomplish anything they desire.

waking up

Finally. . . I am waking up from my real dream – night mare.  

Yes all over these years, I did not know.

Thanks for Jenny for NOT taking side and willing to see the whole pictures
Thanks for Fanny for being NEUTRAL and willing to listen and talk to me at my worse emotion.
Thanks for Beatrice for Her ears, understanding and calling me for long distance - not judging.
I am so blessed and graceful to have all of you as my friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBBjwlCcyOo

Finally. . . it's about time to wake up and be a better person, not only for yourself but for others.

Work it out around people, not the other way. Things around you are mattered, not be a center minded. Be patience and try to understand and listen.

1. It's NOT your house, you have NO right to FORBID someone to visit
2. Communicate is better than action.
3. Understand and Analyze, don't judge from the outside
4. Do NOT reject things you don't know
5. Use your BRAIN not EMOTION
6. Think before you speak, your mouth is your enemy.

It's NOT his fault; he tries to harmonize the whole things by not letting things go. He tries to keep it himself and hope things will change slowly to better. He is NOT black and white.

He went to the center to get advice for any options to save this marriage - I did not see it, He did not tell me directly. I am so blinded with all NEGATIVE things about center.

He tried to be closed, I rejected directly - that's how he felt. Did I? I did not know.

He tries to tell me INDIRECTLY possible separation if I leave for Taiwan - I did not get it.

      è I am NOT a bad person after all

      è Be STRONG and INDEPENDENT woman

è I will BOUNCE Back

è Don’t let people or emotion STEP all over me

è Be Patience and put ASIDE your pride

è Calm Down and think carefully

I know it’s will be tough on me and I need to do this by myself, I am the creator of all these to happen. 
So I will fix it in the RIGHT and FAIR ways, be honest to myself for all these years I had take things for granted.  I was so blessed to have an understanding husband, but I can’t see it, and at the end I LOST it. 
So please forgive me.

People have been very nice to work around me, but it’s NOT RIGHT.  I can’t see that either since no one tells me, someone might but I might have rejected the advice.
It was my fault for leaving you alone, the distance separates us slowly and I still can’t see the reality, again so black and white.  You become so independent and realize you don’t need me anymore since you are a better person without me.  You might have told me indirectly – I am so stupid and stubborn for NOT getting the message.

So next step:

1.       Step back, look back and analyze myself
2.       Be serious about my decision, I am NOT that kind of person. I can do Better and be a Better   person
3.       Don’t take things for granted
4.       He is NOT your property, he is human with feeling
5.       Listen and be humble, so you can see things around you with clear mind
6.       Don’t make Emotion overcome you, follow your HEART, but BRING your BRAIN with you
7.       Observe and be PATIENCE

Yes, I can do it

        I will since I am NOT a bad person.
       I Promise I will make it this time since he has suffered for     
         Being with me

Thanks for the chance you have given me
Thanks for all the support all these years
Thanks for being so patience and put up with my temper and attitude, and 

Thanks for loving and caring me. . . I really appreciate it

PROVE it. . .
tears drop for forgiveness . . .

i am so awake

Seriously, it’s 2:18 am and I am so awake now.

I suppose to use this opportunity to study, but I ended up crying alone thinking about my marriage.

A night Mare and a dream – I can’t believe what he did for me, very unreasonable.  I am so tired for being alone here in this foreign country even I chose it in the beginning of the years.  Things were falling apart and I can’t figure things out myself.  I am tired of crying, how many litters of tear do I have?

I guess there is a part of him I can’t understand, he is very tired of being with me, but he gives me a chance where there is no chance.  He is SICK of me. . .

I felt betrayed by the person I love and trust the most, seems like everyone is against me, my life is upside down, and my heart is beating for uncertainty, my body is turning down, my eyes are tearing, my stomach is complaining, and so on. . . but importantly my heart is crying for help, I cry out loud for help.  Did I make a right decision? I kept asking the same questions over and over, but no answers:

1.       Is it fair and rational for involving families before he talks to me

       2.       Are his family and he being reasonable?

3.       Why is he giving up so early? It’s only five years and it’s the crucial period.

4.       Am I stupid or being dumb for NOT seeing the reality  

5.       can you please tell me the truth

6.       I am falling apart

Lord helps me, I cry and loudly call for your name for help.

I need his help, he is NOT here for me, I am his burden who cause all these things, I am the creators for his hate, his failures and his anger.  It's all my fault. . .

How can I live my life like this?

HELP ME PLEASE. . .

random friends

God bless me with friends, friends who are there for me.

I am alone in Taiwan in this foreign country with NO closed friends, but I am able to put together and have strengths to live on my own with many thoughts and sufferings.

I am still thinking about the two options, I have no regret for choosing option one.  I just wonder why? Option two is NOT even clear, that option – I can’t describe when he said short pain is better than long pain.  My mind is not clear and therapist might be a good option when I can talk to a stranger with no hurting feeling and do NOT take side.

Today,

1.       I went for lunch with Ying Shin, so glad that we met each other on the way out from Feng Chia University.  I guess God did not let me to have lunch alone, he sent someone to cheer me up.  Eat with someone is better than alone.

2.       Went swimming with Kaoru, she was very nice for giving me a ride on her motorcycle to get a swimming cap. Original plan was to go to Carrefour, and we ended at small shop around night market.  I was so blessed that God sent Kaoru to accompany me.

3.       I was so cheerful when my head was up and see Kaoru, but once my head was down in the water I can see the problems I am facing right now.  So painful, the pain for being alone and no support from the loved one because the problem was dropped on me like within one blink.

4.       Chiaki came late, but it’s a joy for seeing her and having a nice funny chat with these two Japanese friends I just met less than three months.

5.       Against. . . thanks God for sending these friends, I know you care and love me.  I might NOT realize it, but they were there, . . . they can’t see or know my problems, but thanks for being there for me.

6.       I really hate my new hobby, writing this re ji makes me cry now and then.

burst into tears

I guess I was at my worse position, it’s all my faults.

I can’t take it anymore; I just burst in tears at the dining table for what he had done for me today. He just put me in corner with all eyes were looking at the direction.  I guess he had no pain feeling for me. Xue ai, Aem, Jennie, Mami and Joe were all against me, I try to think positively but I am super sensitive right now.  I like Aem, she is a very nice and full of understanding woman.

Just remember:

1.       Your husband is NOT your garbage for the food you can’t finish.

2.       Ask for permission, say nicely and sweetly.

3.       Be strong and hard work NOW and Enjoy later

4.       Life is like a circle, up and down (the nicest person was Aem, I like her and thank you Aem)

5.       If I care and love my husband, I should NOT ask him to bring that heavy luggage.  I was hesitated to ask him in the first place, but he is still my husband.

6.       You can’t control a person

7.       Blood is thinker than water

      è I don’t like my new hobby; my eyes are tired from crying and no more tears to drop.  

è All I can do now, let my re ji know how I felt.

è Thanks you for Bea’s called and Jenny’s support.

è Keep thinking why and why. . . I am useless at this point.

è Feel like to color my hair to blond and that will be nice.

Sometimes I don’t know what!

Today, . . .

      -          If I called to early without waiting = NO Patience and Selfish and do NOT want to wait

-          If I kept waiting = was I at the right place? Where was everybody?

-          coincidence, I was waiting in front of the hotpot place since Joe told me it’s a hotpot restaurant, seem like I was being condemned or tested.

Bye Joe Chen and see you in state as a different person.  Thank you for the two options you gave me, and thanks for NOT being here when I need you the most. . . again I cry again.

Try not being selfish; however, it’s NOT all my fault.  I was NOT the biggest problem, but I got the biggest hit.  Take it or leave it . . .

Sorry to say Joe, I still love and care for you.  There are a part of you inside me that I can’t just wipe.

YES, I am so stupid and NAÏVE, follow my heart but almost brainless.

no time for us to be alone

It’s a nice and calm days for all of us. No tense, no yelling and no crying.
We all went to ShengKang to see this rimboche, seriously, I like him.  He is a very funny, and speaking Chinese with Tibetan accents.  Man, his Chinese is away better than me, he’s been living in Taiwan for more than 10 years.  Spent little time together with Joe in the garden and checked on Zacadas.

Went to swim, Aem was very nice to treat us a swimming and spa.  I enjoyed the swimming: head up – be cheerful, head down – facing problems.

We had a great time to talk and try to understand my issues . . . I got it but I still don’t understand.  Why it happened when I was NOT around, less stress and less complaint from me.

I guess he sees himself for NOT needing a WIFE; he is a husband and a wife in one body.

Joe was able to come and see my dorm and my room, I really appreciate his effort.  I can’t express how much I miss him at those moments.  How about him? Six months being apart, . . . all I requested was a big hug.  Luckily, I can hold myself for not crying for being in this room with him but worthless and can’t do anything . 

It was a great joy for taking and showing him around my dorm, but time is very short, I hope the clock STOP clicking. . . three ladies were waiting in the car.

I gave him another hug and a kiss on his neck, his responded with a touch light lip kiss.  Yes, I am so appreciated.  Another light touch kiss before I sent him off

I am so uncomfortable with all these situations and I hate myself badly at that moment and blaming myself for my stupidity for not seeing and appreciating for having him in front of me. . .

It’s time to cry. . .

I cried and cried and called for God help.

Thanks for the song what faith can do.

Term and Condition

A. Marriage reconciliation

1. My BELIEF and PRACTICE is my freedom/choice, I will do according to my balance. You have no right to tell me what is right and wrong.

2. NO MORE topic about having kids

3. You are responsible for your financial outlooks, which apply to me as well. I will require signing of contract for “post-nuptials” agreement when you come back to America and decides to take this path. This is to protect your asset, and protect my asset.

4. I want to live separately, and you will move out for one year, Together with your ENTIRE belongings. We each will review and share about our self. If ONE of us decides NOT to continue, then we go our separate ways. If we BOTH decide to continue, then we will move out together.

5. Respect my space, and I’ll respect yours. YOU will respect my WHATEVER FRIENDS, just as I have for YOURS. YOU have no RIGHT TO TELL me who I can be with, or TELL any of my FRIENDS that you don’t like them for whatever reason.

6. I don’t want to hear your complaints about I put others(such as family, my belief, friends) before you

7. While you moved out, I will provide SOME financial help until you find a job(to be discuss in details).

B. SEPARATE WAYS AND DIVORCE

Remedy for Divorce – to be discuss in further if choose this path.

I want you to be happy, but I also don't want to live for other's dream or happiness and sacrifice my own.

Talk to your friends family if you have to...

You Need to be Honest with your self... short pain is better than long pain...

Life is too short to waste in sorrow...

I rather admit to my or our failure, and learn from the mistake, but not dwell in the past of "hate"

I don't want to "hate", as I have already have one family member that really really really do...

Even if you choose to go separate, I will still respect all friendship.

Warmest,

Joe

è  Is this fair? He flied out all the way to Taiwan to have discussion that is very unreasonable to me.  But I am so stupid; I guess I still have a hope for him.

è  I have only 2 days to decide with unclear condition, and yet I am against stupid enough to make my choice. He had two MONTHS to think about.  Mine was not 10% of his.

è  Is it fair? Life is NOT fair anyway, so please don’t talk about fairness in this life.  Do I choose my parents? I don’t.

è  All my hard working for the past 8 years was gone to the drain, no gratitude or being thankful for bringing $1500 a month to his families.  I guess they look at it as my rental fees.

è  What’s happened to him for the past six months? Joe said “I am a man and also a woman with a dick.”I want him to be capable so whoever left behind has the ability to go on in this life. He can’t see this and there is no point to argue since I am a SELFISH woman.

è  Again, all I can do just follow my heart and cry it out every night and then in this lonely room.  I am so lonely and all I can do just cry and cry and cry . . . crying is my new hobby now.