i am so awake

Seriously, it’s 2:18 am and I am so awake now.

I suppose to use this opportunity to study, but I ended up crying alone thinking about my marriage.

A night Mare and a dream – I can’t believe what he did for me, very unreasonable.  I am so tired for being alone here in this foreign country even I chose it in the beginning of the years.  Things were falling apart and I can’t figure things out myself.  I am tired of crying, how many litters of tear do I have?

I guess there is a part of him I can’t understand, he is very tired of being with me, but he gives me a chance where there is no chance.  He is SICK of me. . .

I felt betrayed by the person I love and trust the most, seems like everyone is against me, my life is upside down, and my heart is beating for uncertainty, my body is turning down, my eyes are tearing, my stomach is complaining, and so on. . . but importantly my heart is crying for help, I cry out loud for help.  Did I make a right decision? I kept asking the same questions over and over, but no answers:

1.       Is it fair and rational for involving families before he talks to me

       2.       Are his family and he being reasonable?

3.       Why is he giving up so early? It’s only five years and it’s the crucial period.

4.       Am I stupid or being dumb for NOT seeing the reality  

5.       can you please tell me the truth

6.       I am falling apart

Lord helps me, I cry and loudly call for your name for help.

I need his help, he is NOT here for me, I am his burden who cause all these things, I am the creators for his hate, his failures and his anger.  It's all my fault. . .

How can I live my life like this?

HELP ME PLEASE. . .