I found the answer

Finally, late night last night I found the answer.
It was not bother me at all, but all of a sudden, the answers just pop up:

What I've been consistent for the past 7 years?
1. I still trust him, up to today.  After what he has done to me
2. I haven't given up on our marriage.

I am so surprise, the answer is very negative.

1. ...if you had trust me... we wouldn't have resulted to this,... in the past you had lack the motivation to understand me and my beliefs and friends...

 

2. Have not given up on marriage on paper, does not mean they are still mentally together with each other.  There are many couples stay together because of paper or stay married,... but already lived separately or giving up on each other under one roof...

 

Now, is it some kind of "pride" and fear of been looked down... for this reason of staying together?

Now, is it some kind of "security" for the reason of staying together?

Now, is it "other" reasons for staying together because...?

 

 

I want you to be true to yourself.  I also tell myself that as well...  AND my belief and practice that I been sharing with you because it gave me confidence and courage to face this world.  It taught me how to extend my care beyond my comfort zone at times.  When I can live for others, and created positive changes to them, it made me happier.  Also at times, I also need my private space to live for myself too, so I can rejuvenate.

 

Be patient, TRY to see with your "open" mind, listen with your "open" heart, think with "open and caring" mind.  Feel what your heart and mind is telling you. 

 

Keep in mind, now is only talk and exchanges, when the actual event comes...  you still have to run the marathon on your own.

money

How do people love money over everything.
Money can buy you happiness for someone in different term - you are happy, you can buy a car that drive you around, and you need money to buy a car.

Money can ruin everything: family, marriage and friendship.
I saw many families who are fighting over someone's money or wealth.  It's NOT belong to them, it's given for free and there is still fighting and argument within families member.  There is no more LOVE and UNDERSTANDING when it comes to wealth.

There are only three problems within families and people life:
1. Family
2. Health
3. Financial.

If your family is wealthy, there will be either health or family issues. There is always something. 

Money is a very sensitive issue right now, since it can make us to become a different person.
My family is not wealthy, and they are not happy because they always short of money.  Luckily, they are healthy so No need to spend money on the doctor.  There is little family issue, but manageable.

How do you handle a situation when your husband is very secretive when it comes to money.  He won't tell you how much his salary, his bonus or even his 401K.  And his wife might NOT even his beneficiary, it's his family,  how does the wife feel?
In addition, he wants the wife to be very independent and capable.

Lately, this money issue is becoming a big topic, and I try to see the big pictures with positive view.  But someone keeps pouring negative view to me. . .
I need to be positive to handle this things, things are falling apart and I need to dive alone,  drink the water and rescue myself.
The more I try to understand and see the whole pictures, things are getting complicated and I can't figure things out, I keep asking myself the same question like repetitive dreams.

By the way. . . I've been having these same dreams, different setting, but same meaning that connects to my question:
1. old people who are very unpleasant look.
2. beautiful flower - monster to be
3. cute creature - monster to be

2nd Typhoon

Another typhoon is coming and government declare no school and no work today, Aug 2, 2012

What's another boring and lonely day to spend in this room, end up writing a blog and doing some research for my own things. .
Supposed to study and catching up what are left behind but I have no motivation and low concentration at this moment, with all the noise from outside, like ghost tries to go into the holes.

What's unlucky day. 
The hot water dispenser at the dorm is broken, and because of typhoon, no one can come to fix it.  Finally, 7 eleven or convenient store was the only option. 
flooding and big rain like a pouring water constantly.  I walked and the flood was higher than my ankle.  7eleven was packed with people and almost no food to buy, no sandwiches, no sushi and no noodle, all left are salad - who want to eat salad in these cold weather?
It's time for 7eleven Oden, which is surprisingly good.

Joe called, it's nice of him to call and check on me regular basis lately.  We did not talk as such since we try to avoid argument and conflict, writing email and exchange ideas are better. 

We found out, there are many things that we are the same, but we have different approach of doing things. 
I like to do it quietly and once I got the whole pictures then I will share. . . I feel I don't want to waste people times with my ideas what are not certain.
He, on the other hand, like to discuss things in advance and try to figure things out by talking to people to get idea before he moves forward. 

We might have the same back ground of families in financial wise, the up and down of our parents; however, there are also big differences in the families view and financial burden.  How are each of our parents were in the peak and had the best of all and never raise again.

He wants each of us to be independent; however, people might view that he is the man, and he should have supported his family without any reasons of being independent and who make more.

Effort

Efforts to understand each other, learns a brand new thing each day and make the best of it.

He is more careful in a way he expresses himself, he tries not to hurt others’ feeling

Lets him practice alone or I try to understand and join him in regular basis

One needs to sacrifice then understanding come in within

He won’t let me die on the street

Yes, he went to Taiwan to gang up with his family to attach me at one

There is no guarantee on option 1, and I did not try to know him at all (even I love him)

His family said I am having fun in Taiwan, and left him alone in USA, I am taking advantages from him

Joe stays behind to make sure I have income in case I can’t find any job when I am back to states

He knows that long distance relationship will not work out

Both of us have to be in the same page: understanding and communicate each other

His families is everything and meant a lot to him

Try to make changes that will be beneficial for us and families

We need to learn to digest, analyze and do accordingly

Married is all about adjustment and learn a new thing each day

He is a person who can have a deep conversation without judging people

                I am a person with low attention and low concentration

                Learn to act mature not only benefit ourselves but also spouses and future business

Try to understand his belief and why he does what.

Hope

Kisah 4 Lilin

Ada 4 lilin yang sedang menyala. Sedikit demi sedikit habis meleleh. Suasana begitu sunyi sehingga terdengarlah percakapan mereka.

Lilin yang pertama berkata: “Aku adalah Damai."
"Namun manusia tak mampu menjagaku. Maka lebih baik aku mematikan diriku saja!” Demikianlah sedikit demi sedikit sang lilin pertama padam.

Lilin yang kedua berkata: “Aku adalah Iman.”
“Sayang aku tak berguna lagi. Manusia tak mau mengenalku. Tak ada gunanya aku tetap menyala.”                                                                                                                                                Begitu selesai bicara, tiupan angin memadamkannya.

Dengan sedih giliran lilin ketiga bicara: ”Aku adalah Cinta.”
“Tak mampu lagi aku untuk tetap menyala. Manusia tidak lagi memandang dan mengganggapku berguna. Mereka saling membenci. Bahkan membenci mereka yang mencintainya, membenci keluarganya.”
Tanpa menunggu waktu lama, maka matilah lilin ketiga.

Tanpa terduga…

Seorang anak saat itu masuk ke dalam kamar, dan melihat ketiga lilin telah padam.   Karena takut akan kegelapan itu, ia berkata: “Eh apa yang terjadi?? Kalian harus tetap menyala. Aku takut akan kegelapan!”  
Lalu ia mengangis tersedu-sedu.

Lalu dengan terharu lilin keempat berkata:
"Jangan takut. Janganlah menangis. Selama aku masih ada dan menyala, kita tetap dapat selalu menyalakan ketiga lilin lainnya."

”Akulah HARAPAN.“

Dengan mata bersinar, sang anak mengambil Lilin Harapan, lalu menyalakan kembali ketiga lilin lainnya.

Apa yang tidak pernah mati hanyalah HARAPAN. Jangan sampai kita kehilangan HARAPAN.

Penemuan terbesar adalah bila orang-orang sanggup mengubah keadaan mereka dengan mengubah cara berpikir mereka.

My friend, Landy

I am slowly getting back to my schedule, sleep around 11 or 12 pm and wake up around 6 or 7 am on weekdays.

Finally, I bring up the topic to Landy on YM since she was complaining and hurt by Joe’s rejection mostly. She was very shocked and dropped her works just to get the idea:

1.       She is annoyed by Joe’s behavior and view

2.       Does he feel I take advantage of his wealth? Sorry to say, I am NOT a freeloader and I’ve been on my own since day 1 we got married.

3.       Why post nuptial after 5 years of marriage

4.       It’s husband’s responsibilities responsibility to ensure the wife is in good condition

5.       I don’t do anything wrong that ruin his wealth, I brought extra $$$ to his mom

6.       Is he making sense or is he putting you in risk?

7.       He has to support me

8.       Am I a materialistic girl?

9.       If he has no trust, why you want to stay on this marriage?

10.   Lawyer works for one who pays her/ him, don’t ever agree with his lawyer

11.   One lawyer can’t represent both parties.

12.   I think this post nuptial is His tactic, so you sign it and then he wants divorce – no responsibility

13.   I want you to be protected

14.   I think he has done his research, so you need to be careful, it can be a trapped

15.   Is there reason why he does NOT trust me after five years of marriage? I did not make him more poor; instead I made him to have more extra money.

16.    Another trust issue

17.   What have I done to deserve these treatments?

18.   Behavior is separate from assets

19.   If he wants me to change for better, money should not be on the discussion

20.   There is a line between trying to make him happy vs putting myself in risk for nothing.

I tried to think positively with clear mind to understand the whole situation; however, things are going to different direction with her thought. 

I really appreciate it, she try to protect me, what is best for me. . .

“she is annoyed by Joe on the way he handles these problems and his thought"

Rabbit

http://suite101.com/article/chinese-zodiac-signs-year-of-the-rabbit-a342994

Chinese astrology associates people's characteristics with the Chinese Year of their birth. Learn about people born in the Year of the Rabbit.

The signs of the Chinese zodiac, also known as the Animals of the Chinese Zodiac, are taken from the names of the Chinese New Years, which in turn are named after a set of 12 animals: rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog, and pig. A person's Chinese zodiac sign is taken from the Chinese Year of their birth.

Chinese astrology associates positive and negative characteristics and character traits with typical people from each sign of the Chinese zodiac. These characteristics and character traits may not fully apply to a particular person.

Chinese astrology also holds that these character traits are affected by the Chinese elements, Metal, Water, Wood, Fire, and Earth.

Rabbit Characteristics

People born in the Year of the Rabbit tend to be calm, gentle, and loving. Rabbits are often very ambitious, knowing intuitively how to get ahead in the world.

Rabbits usually make good friends as they are good listeners, and are good natured. Rabbits tend to stay calm whatever the provocation, and act as peacemakers. These attributes make good them diplomats, and help them excel at work, particular in delicate business dealings.

Most Rabbits have a feel for art, design, and fashion, and like to be surrounded by beautiful things.

Rabbits typically consider all options before moving into a new situation. Rabbits are usually very romantic in close relationships, but tend to take their time before committing themselves to the relationship.

Rabbit Character Traits

People born in the Year of the Rabbit tend to have these character traits:

• Positive traits: gracious, good friend, kind, sensitive, soft-spoken, amiable, elegant, reserved, cautious, artistic, thorough, tender, self-assured, shy, astute, compassionate, lucky, flexible
• Negative traits: moody, detached, superficial, self-indulgent, opportunistic, stubborn

Influence of Western Zodiac Signs on Rabbits

Read about how the characteristics and character traits of people born in the Year of the Rabbit are influenced by the Western Zodiac Sign under which they are born.

Birthstone: Garnet

Each Chinese zodiac sign has an associated birthstone, which is intended to support the strengths of the zodiac sign, and to compensate for its weaknesses.

The pearl is the birthstone for people born in the Year of the Rabbit. Pearls are associated with purity and purification, innocence, and people's feminine side. Chinese people call pearls "The Tear from Heaven" and "The Tear of God".

Precious Flower: Narcissus

Each Chinese zodiac sign has an associated precious flower, which have a special meaning in Chinese culture.

The jonquil is the precious flower for people born in the Year of the Rabbit. The Chinese use jonquil flowers to make good luck charms which are worn on special occasions. In ancient China, coaches and horses with decorated with jonquil flowers.

Dates for Year of the Rabbit

The Year of the Rabbit is the fourth animal in the cycle of 12. It last occured in 1999, and is the current Chinese year now in 2011.

Compatibility with other Signs of the Chinese Zodiac

Chinese astrology uses the character traits associated with each zodiac sign to determine if two people are compatible. Followers of Chinese astrology consider this compatibility before commencing a business or personal relationship.
Typically, Rabbits are compatible with Sheep and Pigs, but are incompatible with Roosters.

Rabbit Horoscope for 2012

Every year Chinese astrology makes forecasts for the upcoming Chinese New Year, for both the year in general, and for people belonging to each Chinese zodiac sign in more detail.For  more information, see Chinese Astrology – Horoscope for 2012 Year of the Dragon