I found the answer

Finally, late night last night I found the answer.
It was not bother me at all, but all of a sudden, the answers just pop up:

What I've been consistent for the past 7 years?
1. I still trust him, up to today.  After what he has done to me
2. I haven't given up on our marriage.

I am so surprise, the answer is very negative.

1. ...if you had trust me... we wouldn't have resulted to this,... in the past you had lack the motivation to understand me and my beliefs and friends...

 

2. Have not given up on marriage on paper, does not mean they are still mentally together with each other.  There are many couples stay together because of paper or stay married,... but already lived separately or giving up on each other under one roof...

 

Now, is it some kind of "pride" and fear of been looked down... for this reason of staying together?

Now, is it some kind of "security" for the reason of staying together?

Now, is it "other" reasons for staying together because...?

 

 

I want you to be true to yourself.  I also tell myself that as well...  AND my belief and practice that I been sharing with you because it gave me confidence and courage to face this world.  It taught me how to extend my care beyond my comfort zone at times.  When I can live for others, and created positive changes to them, it made me happier.  Also at times, I also need my private space to live for myself too, so I can rejuvenate.

 

Be patient, TRY to see with your "open" mind, listen with your "open" heart, think with "open and caring" mind.  Feel what your heart and mind is telling you. 

 

Keep in mind, now is only talk and exchanges, when the actual event comes...  you still have to run the marathon on your own.

money

How do people love money over everything.
Money can buy you happiness for someone in different term - you are happy, you can buy a car that drive you around, and you need money to buy a car.

Money can ruin everything: family, marriage and friendship.
I saw many families who are fighting over someone's money or wealth.  It's NOT belong to them, it's given for free and there is still fighting and argument within families member.  There is no more LOVE and UNDERSTANDING when it comes to wealth.

There are only three problems within families and people life:
1. Family
2. Health
3. Financial.

If your family is wealthy, there will be either health or family issues. There is always something. 

Money is a very sensitive issue right now, since it can make us to become a different person.
My family is not wealthy, and they are not happy because they always short of money.  Luckily, they are healthy so No need to spend money on the doctor.  There is little family issue, but manageable.

How do you handle a situation when your husband is very secretive when it comes to money.  He won't tell you how much his salary, his bonus or even his 401K.  And his wife might NOT even his beneficiary, it's his family,  how does the wife feel?
In addition, he wants the wife to be very independent and capable.

Lately, this money issue is becoming a big topic, and I try to see the big pictures with positive view.  But someone keeps pouring negative view to me. . .
I need to be positive to handle this things, things are falling apart and I need to dive alone,  drink the water and rescue myself.
The more I try to understand and see the whole pictures, things are getting complicated and I can't figure things out, I keep asking myself the same question like repetitive dreams.

By the way. . . I've been having these same dreams, different setting, but same meaning that connects to my question:
1. old people who are very unpleasant look.
2. beautiful flower - monster to be
3. cute creature - monster to be

2nd Typhoon

Another typhoon is coming and government declare no school and no work today, Aug 2, 2012

What's another boring and lonely day to spend in this room, end up writing a blog and doing some research for my own things. .
Supposed to study and catching up what are left behind but I have no motivation and low concentration at this moment, with all the noise from outside, like ghost tries to go into the holes.

What's unlucky day. 
The hot water dispenser at the dorm is broken, and because of typhoon, no one can come to fix it.  Finally, 7 eleven or convenient store was the only option. 
flooding and big rain like a pouring water constantly.  I walked and the flood was higher than my ankle.  7eleven was packed with people and almost no food to buy, no sandwiches, no sushi and no noodle, all left are salad - who want to eat salad in these cold weather?
It's time for 7eleven Oden, which is surprisingly good.

Joe called, it's nice of him to call and check on me regular basis lately.  We did not talk as such since we try to avoid argument and conflict, writing email and exchange ideas are better. 

We found out, there are many things that we are the same, but we have different approach of doing things. 
I like to do it quietly and once I got the whole pictures then I will share. . . I feel I don't want to waste people times with my ideas what are not certain.
He, on the other hand, like to discuss things in advance and try to figure things out by talking to people to get idea before he moves forward. 

We might have the same back ground of families in financial wise, the up and down of our parents; however, there are also big differences in the families view and financial burden.  How are each of our parents were in the peak and had the best of all and never raise again.

He wants each of us to be independent; however, people might view that he is the man, and he should have supported his family without any reasons of being independent and who make more.

Effort

Efforts to understand each other, learns a brand new thing each day and make the best of it.

He is more careful in a way he expresses himself, he tries not to hurt others’ feeling

Lets him practice alone or I try to understand and join him in regular basis

One needs to sacrifice then understanding come in within

He won’t let me die on the street

Yes, he went to Taiwan to gang up with his family to attach me at one

There is no guarantee on option 1, and I did not try to know him at all (even I love him)

His family said I am having fun in Taiwan, and left him alone in USA, I am taking advantages from him

Joe stays behind to make sure I have income in case I can’t find any job when I am back to states

He knows that long distance relationship will not work out

Both of us have to be in the same page: understanding and communicate each other

His families is everything and meant a lot to him

Try to make changes that will be beneficial for us and families

We need to learn to digest, analyze and do accordingly

Married is all about adjustment and learn a new thing each day

He is a person who can have a deep conversation without judging people

                I am a person with low attention and low concentration

                Learn to act mature not only benefit ourselves but also spouses and future business

Try to understand his belief and why he does what.

Hope

Kisah 4 Lilin

Ada 4 lilin yang sedang menyala. Sedikit demi sedikit habis meleleh. Suasana begitu sunyi sehingga terdengarlah percakapan mereka.

Lilin yang pertama berkata: “Aku adalah Damai."
"Namun manusia tak mampu menjagaku. Maka lebih baik aku mematikan diriku saja!” Demikianlah sedikit demi sedikit sang lilin pertama padam.

Lilin yang kedua berkata: “Aku adalah Iman.”
“Sayang aku tak berguna lagi. Manusia tak mau mengenalku. Tak ada gunanya aku tetap menyala.”                                                                                                                                                Begitu selesai bicara, tiupan angin memadamkannya.

Dengan sedih giliran lilin ketiga bicara: ”Aku adalah Cinta.”
“Tak mampu lagi aku untuk tetap menyala. Manusia tidak lagi memandang dan mengganggapku berguna. Mereka saling membenci. Bahkan membenci mereka yang mencintainya, membenci keluarganya.”
Tanpa menunggu waktu lama, maka matilah lilin ketiga.

Tanpa terduga…

Seorang anak saat itu masuk ke dalam kamar, dan melihat ketiga lilin telah padam.   Karena takut akan kegelapan itu, ia berkata: “Eh apa yang terjadi?? Kalian harus tetap menyala. Aku takut akan kegelapan!”  
Lalu ia mengangis tersedu-sedu.

Lalu dengan terharu lilin keempat berkata:
"Jangan takut. Janganlah menangis. Selama aku masih ada dan menyala, kita tetap dapat selalu menyalakan ketiga lilin lainnya."

”Akulah HARAPAN.“

Dengan mata bersinar, sang anak mengambil Lilin Harapan, lalu menyalakan kembali ketiga lilin lainnya.

Apa yang tidak pernah mati hanyalah HARAPAN. Jangan sampai kita kehilangan HARAPAN.

Penemuan terbesar adalah bila orang-orang sanggup mengubah keadaan mereka dengan mengubah cara berpikir mereka.

My friend, Landy

I am slowly getting back to my schedule, sleep around 11 or 12 pm and wake up around 6 or 7 am on weekdays.

Finally, I bring up the topic to Landy on YM since she was complaining and hurt by Joe’s rejection mostly. She was very shocked and dropped her works just to get the idea:

1.       She is annoyed by Joe’s behavior and view

2.       Does he feel I take advantage of his wealth? Sorry to say, I am NOT a freeloader and I’ve been on my own since day 1 we got married.

3.       Why post nuptial after 5 years of marriage

4.       It’s husband’s responsibilities responsibility to ensure the wife is in good condition

5.       I don’t do anything wrong that ruin his wealth, I brought extra $$$ to his mom

6.       Is he making sense or is he putting you in risk?

7.       He has to support me

8.       Am I a materialistic girl?

9.       If he has no trust, why you want to stay on this marriage?

10.   Lawyer works for one who pays her/ him, don’t ever agree with his lawyer

11.   One lawyer can’t represent both parties.

12.   I think this post nuptial is His tactic, so you sign it and then he wants divorce – no responsibility

13.   I want you to be protected

14.   I think he has done his research, so you need to be careful, it can be a trapped

15.   Is there reason why he does NOT trust me after five years of marriage? I did not make him more poor; instead I made him to have more extra money.

16.    Another trust issue

17.   What have I done to deserve these treatments?

18.   Behavior is separate from assets

19.   If he wants me to change for better, money should not be on the discussion

20.   There is a line between trying to make him happy vs putting myself in risk for nothing.

I tried to think positively with clear mind to understand the whole situation; however, things are going to different direction with her thought. 

I really appreciate it, she try to protect me, what is best for me. . .

“she is annoyed by Joe on the way he handles these problems and his thought"

Rabbit

http://suite101.com/article/chinese-zodiac-signs-year-of-the-rabbit-a342994

Chinese astrology associates people's characteristics with the Chinese Year of their birth. Learn about people born in the Year of the Rabbit.

The signs of the Chinese zodiac, also known as the Animals of the Chinese Zodiac, are taken from the names of the Chinese New Years, which in turn are named after a set of 12 animals: rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog, and pig. A person's Chinese zodiac sign is taken from the Chinese Year of their birth.

Chinese astrology associates positive and negative characteristics and character traits with typical people from each sign of the Chinese zodiac. These characteristics and character traits may not fully apply to a particular person.

Chinese astrology also holds that these character traits are affected by the Chinese elements, Metal, Water, Wood, Fire, and Earth.

Rabbit Characteristics

People born in the Year of the Rabbit tend to be calm, gentle, and loving. Rabbits are often very ambitious, knowing intuitively how to get ahead in the world.

Rabbits usually make good friends as they are good listeners, and are good natured. Rabbits tend to stay calm whatever the provocation, and act as peacemakers. These attributes make good them diplomats, and help them excel at work, particular in delicate business dealings.

Most Rabbits have a feel for art, design, and fashion, and like to be surrounded by beautiful things.

Rabbits typically consider all options before moving into a new situation. Rabbits are usually very romantic in close relationships, but tend to take their time before committing themselves to the relationship.

Rabbit Character Traits

People born in the Year of the Rabbit tend to have these character traits:

• Positive traits: gracious, good friend, kind, sensitive, soft-spoken, amiable, elegant, reserved, cautious, artistic, thorough, tender, self-assured, shy, astute, compassionate, lucky, flexible
• Negative traits: moody, detached, superficial, self-indulgent, opportunistic, stubborn

Influence of Western Zodiac Signs on Rabbits

Read about how the characteristics and character traits of people born in the Year of the Rabbit are influenced by the Western Zodiac Sign under which they are born.

Birthstone: Garnet

Each Chinese zodiac sign has an associated birthstone, which is intended to support the strengths of the zodiac sign, and to compensate for its weaknesses.

The pearl is the birthstone for people born in the Year of the Rabbit. Pearls are associated with purity and purification, innocence, and people's feminine side. Chinese people call pearls "The Tear from Heaven" and "The Tear of God".

Precious Flower: Narcissus

Each Chinese zodiac sign has an associated precious flower, which have a special meaning in Chinese culture.

The jonquil is the precious flower for people born in the Year of the Rabbit. The Chinese use jonquil flowers to make good luck charms which are worn on special occasions. In ancient China, coaches and horses with decorated with jonquil flowers.

Dates for Year of the Rabbit

The Year of the Rabbit is the fourth animal in the cycle of 12. It last occured in 1999, and is the current Chinese year now in 2011.

Compatibility with other Signs of the Chinese Zodiac

Chinese astrology uses the character traits associated with each zodiac sign to determine if two people are compatible. Followers of Chinese astrology consider this compatibility before commencing a business or personal relationship.
Typically, Rabbits are compatible with Sheep and Pigs, but are incompatible with Roosters.

Rabbit Horoscope for 2012

Every year Chinese astrology makes forecasts for the upcoming Chinese New Year, for both the year in general, and for people belonging to each Chinese zodiac sign in more detail.For  more information, see Chinese Astrology – Horoscope for 2012 Year of the Dragon

Tiger (part 2)

http://suite101.com/article/2010-is-year-of-the-tiger---chinese-zodiac-a243606

Discover what it means if you were born under the Year of the Tiger, and what you can expect in 2010.

The Chinese astrology’s 12 year cycle encompasses the years of the Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Sheep, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, Pig, Rat and Ox. The 12 animals follow in succession and repeat every 12 years meaning that 2010 is the Year of the Tiger, and it will be again in another 12 years time.

The Chinese zodiac is based on the Chinese Lunar Calendar rather than the Gregorian calendar. Because the Chinese Lunar Calendar bases the start of the year on the cycles of the moon, Chinese New Year doesn’t always fall on the same day every year. It can fall between late January and the middle of February, this year however, it was on the 14th of February 2010.

Unlike the Western Zodiac, which allocates a star sign to a person based on the time of month that person was born, the Chinese Zodiac allocates an animal sign based on what year that person was born.

Was I born in the Year of the Tiger?

According to Chinese astrology, a person’s life and character are shaped by the year that they were born, and they share traits with that animal. The Year of the Tiger include the following years:

1914  1926  1938  1950    1962   1974   1986   1998   2010

Characteristics of those born in the Year of The Tiger

People born in the Year of the Tiger (Chinese name - HU, sign of courage), are said to be lucky, charming, independent, intense, courageous, gracious and powerful, and while they can be friendly and loving they can also be intolerant, selfish and short-tempered. Tigers are said to be talented at making money, but equally good at spending it.

Tigers enjoy risk and are often at their best when climbing their chosen career ladder or position of power and success. According to the US Bridal Guide, Tigers can suffer bouts of depression if they are feeling unsatisfied or unproductive in their professional life and Tigers often change careers when there is no chance of ‘moving up’ or simply because they become bored.

Tigers also tend to have addictive personalities, which can lead to excessive smoking, drinking, drug taking or gambling if they aren’t careful. Female Tigers make very stern, protective and loving mothers.

What can Tigers Expect During the 2010 Year of the Tiger?

For those born in the Year of the Tiger, 2010 promises to be an exciting year. Financially and professionally, 2010 is looking good and Tigers should pursue any money-making ideas they have, however, it is wise for Tigers to put serious thought and planning into these ideas before acting on them.

For single Tigers, romance is said to be promising in 2010 with the possibility of a friendship leading to something more. All Tigers should expect a busy social calendar this year.

According to Online Chinese Astrology, 2010 will be a fast and tumultuous year and that Tigers should face up to their difficult issues because the ‘impossible might be possible’ during this time. Tigers that want adventure will get it, but those that want a peaceful and harmonious year may be out of luck.

Interesting Facts for Those Born in Year of the Tiger

• Compatible Friends: Dragon, Dog, Horse
• Be Wary of: Monkey, Snake
• Mystic Symbol: Awakening of Life
• Gems and Stones: Ruby, Diamond, Cat’s Eye, Sapphire
• Flower: Violet
• Season: Winter
• Good Careers: Actor, Comedian, Musician, Race Car Drivers, Pilots, Writers

While perhaps not an exact science, it is interesting to see what personality traits one shares with their animal star sign, and what can be expected over the coming year. Next year will be Year of the Rabbit, followed by Year of the Dragon (2012), and then Year of the Snake (2013).

 

tiger

http://suite101.com/article/chinese-new-year-2010year-of-the-golden-tiger-a200042

Expectant mothers are in for a wild ride with baby Tiger on the way. Children born under this sign are brave and charming but can also be temperamental and rebellious.

February 14, 2010, marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Golden Tiger. There are twelve years in the Chinese zodiac cycle and each year is represented by a different animal. The Tiger is the third sign in the Chinese Zodiac. Like its animal counterpart, the Tiger is a sign of extreme courage and bravery. Having this animal sign in the house is believed to ward off the dangers of household fires, thieves, and ghosts.

The Year of the Tiger is traditionally associated with massive changes and social upheaval and this year will be no exception. Therefore, 2010 is very likely to be a volatile one, both on the world scene and on a personal level. Many changes are in store for the Tiger cub’s parents.

The Golden Tiger Child

For parents who are expecting a baby this year, get ready for some excitement and adventure. A Tiger baby will be full of fire and determination. Good luck trying to win an argument with this little kitty.

Children born under this sign tend to have two distinct personalities at either end of the spectrum; some are gentle and affectionate while others can be extremely selfish and quick-tempered. Yet others may have a combination of both extremes. It’s not that they mean to be. It’s just that they get so wrapped up in what they are doing that they forget to consider anyone else’s feelings.

Tiger children will be at their best in the springtime. This will be the best time for them to make big life changes. These children will be most compatible with the Chinese Zodiac signs of Pig or Dog. They will have the hardest time getting along with Monkey and relationships with Snake signs should be avoided. Their best partnerships will come from pairing up with the Horse as both have strong work ethics and strong personalities.

Positive Personality Traits of Zodiac Tiger Children

Tiger babies are generally very cheerful with a passion for life that keeps them forever curious. They have a taste for adventure and parents will need to be ever watchful of possibly dangerous escapades. Both boys and girls will enjoy being competitive and excel in athletics. In the classroom, Tiger children will advance in subjects that allow them the freedom to creatively express themselves. These kids will be natural born leaders and will be popular with their peers.

Children with a Tiger sign will never show fear in the face of adversity. They are persistent and tenacious, especially in achieving their goals. They can endure considerable physical hardship. Similar to their feline namesakes, they will have a proverbial endless number of lives and will recreate themselves over and over again until they feel that they have achieved a level of success. They are larger than life; warm-hearted extroverts. These children can’t help but be noticed and are often extremely good-looking.

Negative Aspects of Children Born in the Year of the Tiger

A restless spirit will keep Tigers wanting to roam free. They will love the outdoors and long to be outside. They hate to be confined, so put away that playpen and be prepared to keep up with their many adventures. Jealousy may be a problem with some Tiger children, as they will crave all of the attention parents can give.

They are so competitive that they can become depressed if they fail to complete a project or a given task. They can be controlling, hot-tempered and extremely self-serving. They will often act rashly and get themselves into trouble from not thinking about the consequences of their actions.

Parenting a Tiger Sign Child

Tiger children are very sensitive to criticism and tend to get their feelings hurt easily. Parents must take care to be gentle with their words. As they grow older, they will require freedom and personal space to express themselves. Parents will need to give them plenty of leeway while still keeping them safe.

Overall, a lesson that would serve Tiger children well is that one must practice moderation in all things. Once these kitties can find their center and direct their power and energy toward focused endeavors, they will be able to accomplish anything they desire.

waking up

Finally. . . I am waking up from my real dream – night mare.  

Yes all over these years, I did not know.

Thanks for Jenny for NOT taking side and willing to see the whole pictures
Thanks for Fanny for being NEUTRAL and willing to listen and talk to me at my worse emotion.
Thanks for Beatrice for Her ears, understanding and calling me for long distance - not judging.
I am so blessed and graceful to have all of you as my friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBBjwlCcyOo

Finally. . . it's about time to wake up and be a better person, not only for yourself but for others.

Work it out around people, not the other way. Things around you are mattered, not be a center minded. Be patience and try to understand and listen.

1. It's NOT your house, you have NO right to FORBID someone to visit
2. Communicate is better than action.
3. Understand and Analyze, don't judge from the outside
4. Do NOT reject things you don't know
5. Use your BRAIN not EMOTION
6. Think before you speak, your mouth is your enemy.

It's NOT his fault; he tries to harmonize the whole things by not letting things go. He tries to keep it himself and hope things will change slowly to better. He is NOT black and white.

He went to the center to get advice for any options to save this marriage - I did not see it, He did not tell me directly. I am so blinded with all NEGATIVE things about center.

He tried to be closed, I rejected directly - that's how he felt. Did I? I did not know.

He tries to tell me INDIRECTLY possible separation if I leave for Taiwan - I did not get it.

      è I am NOT a bad person after all

      è Be STRONG and INDEPENDENT woman

è I will BOUNCE Back

è Don’t let people or emotion STEP all over me

è Be Patience and put ASIDE your pride

è Calm Down and think carefully

I know it’s will be tough on me and I need to do this by myself, I am the creator of all these to happen. 
So I will fix it in the RIGHT and FAIR ways, be honest to myself for all these years I had take things for granted.  I was so blessed to have an understanding husband, but I can’t see it, and at the end I LOST it. 
So please forgive me.

People have been very nice to work around me, but it’s NOT RIGHT.  I can’t see that either since no one tells me, someone might but I might have rejected the advice.
It was my fault for leaving you alone, the distance separates us slowly and I still can’t see the reality, again so black and white.  You become so independent and realize you don’t need me anymore since you are a better person without me.  You might have told me indirectly – I am so stupid and stubborn for NOT getting the message.

So next step:

1.       Step back, look back and analyze myself
2.       Be serious about my decision, I am NOT that kind of person. I can do Better and be a Better   person
3.       Don’t take things for granted
4.       He is NOT your property, he is human with feeling
5.       Listen and be humble, so you can see things around you with clear mind
6.       Don’t make Emotion overcome you, follow your HEART, but BRING your BRAIN with you
7.       Observe and be PATIENCE

Yes, I can do it

        I will since I am NOT a bad person.
       I Promise I will make it this time since he has suffered for     
         Being with me

Thanks for the chance you have given me
Thanks for all the support all these years
Thanks for being so patience and put up with my temper and attitude, and 

Thanks for loving and caring me. . . I really appreciate it

PROVE it. . .
tears drop for forgiveness . . .