i am so awake

Seriously, it’s 2:18 am and I am so awake now.

I suppose to use this opportunity to study, but I ended up crying alone thinking about my marriage.

A night Mare and a dream – I can’t believe what he did for me, very unreasonable.  I am so tired for being alone here in this foreign country even I chose it in the beginning of the years.  Things were falling apart and I can’t figure things out myself.  I am tired of crying, how many litters of tear do I have?

I guess there is a part of him I can’t understand, he is very tired of being with me, but he gives me a chance where there is no chance.  He is SICK of me. . .

I felt betrayed by the person I love and trust the most, seems like everyone is against me, my life is upside down, and my heart is beating for uncertainty, my body is turning down, my eyes are tearing, my stomach is complaining, and so on. . . but importantly my heart is crying for help, I cry out loud for help.  Did I make a right decision? I kept asking the same questions over and over, but no answers:

1.       Is it fair and rational for involving families before he talks to me

       2.       Are his family and he being reasonable?

3.       Why is he giving up so early? It’s only five years and it’s the crucial period.

4.       Am I stupid or being dumb for NOT seeing the reality  

5.       can you please tell me the truth

6.       I am falling apart

Lord helps me, I cry and loudly call for your name for help.

I need his help, he is NOT here for me, I am his burden who cause all these things, I am the creators for his hate, his failures and his anger.  It's all my fault. . .

How can I live my life like this?

HELP ME PLEASE. . .

random friends

God bless me with friends, friends who are there for me.

I am alone in Taiwan in this foreign country with NO closed friends, but I am able to put together and have strengths to live on my own with many thoughts and sufferings.

I am still thinking about the two options, I have no regret for choosing option one.  I just wonder why? Option two is NOT even clear, that option – I can’t describe when he said short pain is better than long pain.  My mind is not clear and therapist might be a good option when I can talk to a stranger with no hurting feeling and do NOT take side.

Today,

1.       I went for lunch with Ying Shin, so glad that we met each other on the way out from Feng Chia University.  I guess God did not let me to have lunch alone, he sent someone to cheer me up.  Eat with someone is better than alone.

2.       Went swimming with Kaoru, she was very nice for giving me a ride on her motorcycle to get a swimming cap. Original plan was to go to Carrefour, and we ended at small shop around night market.  I was so blessed that God sent Kaoru to accompany me.

3.       I was so cheerful when my head was up and see Kaoru, but once my head was down in the water I can see the problems I am facing right now.  So painful, the pain for being alone and no support from the loved one because the problem was dropped on me like within one blink.

4.       Chiaki came late, but it’s a joy for seeing her and having a nice funny chat with these two Japanese friends I just met less than three months.

5.       Against. . . thanks God for sending these friends, I know you care and love me.  I might NOT realize it, but they were there, . . . they can’t see or know my problems, but thanks for being there for me.

6.       I really hate my new hobby, writing this re ji makes me cry now and then.

burst into tears

I guess I was at my worse position, it’s all my faults.

I can’t take it anymore; I just burst in tears at the dining table for what he had done for me today. He just put me in corner with all eyes were looking at the direction.  I guess he had no pain feeling for me. Xue ai, Aem, Jennie, Mami and Joe were all against me, I try to think positively but I am super sensitive right now.  I like Aem, she is a very nice and full of understanding woman.

Just remember:

1.       Your husband is NOT your garbage for the food you can’t finish.

2.       Ask for permission, say nicely and sweetly.

3.       Be strong and hard work NOW and Enjoy later

4.       Life is like a circle, up and down (the nicest person was Aem, I like her and thank you Aem)

5.       If I care and love my husband, I should NOT ask him to bring that heavy luggage.  I was hesitated to ask him in the first place, but he is still my husband.

6.       You can’t control a person

7.       Blood is thinker than water

      è I don’t like my new hobby; my eyes are tired from crying and no more tears to drop.  

è All I can do now, let my re ji know how I felt.

è Thanks you for Bea’s called and Jenny’s support.

è Keep thinking why and why. . . I am useless at this point.

è Feel like to color my hair to blond and that will be nice.

Sometimes I don’t know what!

Today, . . .

      -          If I called to early without waiting = NO Patience and Selfish and do NOT want to wait

-          If I kept waiting = was I at the right place? Where was everybody?

-          coincidence, I was waiting in front of the hotpot place since Joe told me it’s a hotpot restaurant, seem like I was being condemned or tested.

Bye Joe Chen and see you in state as a different person.  Thank you for the two options you gave me, and thanks for NOT being here when I need you the most. . . again I cry again.

Try not being selfish; however, it’s NOT all my fault.  I was NOT the biggest problem, but I got the biggest hit.  Take it or leave it . . .

Sorry to say Joe, I still love and care for you.  There are a part of you inside me that I can’t just wipe.

YES, I am so stupid and NAÏVE, follow my heart but almost brainless.

no time for us to be alone

It’s a nice and calm days for all of us. No tense, no yelling and no crying.
We all went to ShengKang to see this rimboche, seriously, I like him.  He is a very funny, and speaking Chinese with Tibetan accents.  Man, his Chinese is away better than me, he’s been living in Taiwan for more than 10 years.  Spent little time together with Joe in the garden and checked on Zacadas.

Went to swim, Aem was very nice to treat us a swimming and spa.  I enjoyed the swimming: head up – be cheerful, head down – facing problems.

We had a great time to talk and try to understand my issues . . . I got it but I still don’t understand.  Why it happened when I was NOT around, less stress and less complaint from me.

I guess he sees himself for NOT needing a WIFE; he is a husband and a wife in one body.

Joe was able to come and see my dorm and my room, I really appreciate his effort.  I can’t express how much I miss him at those moments.  How about him? Six months being apart, . . . all I requested was a big hug.  Luckily, I can hold myself for not crying for being in this room with him but worthless and can’t do anything . 

It was a great joy for taking and showing him around my dorm, but time is very short, I hope the clock STOP clicking. . . three ladies were waiting in the car.

I gave him another hug and a kiss on his neck, his responded with a touch light lip kiss.  Yes, I am so appreciated.  Another light touch kiss before I sent him off

I am so uncomfortable with all these situations and I hate myself badly at that moment and blaming myself for my stupidity for not seeing and appreciating for having him in front of me. . .

It’s time to cry. . .

I cried and cried and called for God help.

Thanks for the song what faith can do.

Term and Condition

A. Marriage reconciliation

1. My BELIEF and PRACTICE is my freedom/choice, I will do according to my balance. You have no right to tell me what is right and wrong.

2. NO MORE topic about having kids

3. You are responsible for your financial outlooks, which apply to me as well. I will require signing of contract for “post-nuptials” agreement when you come back to America and decides to take this path. This is to protect your asset, and protect my asset.

4. I want to live separately, and you will move out for one year, Together with your ENTIRE belongings. We each will review and share about our self. If ONE of us decides NOT to continue, then we go our separate ways. If we BOTH decide to continue, then we will move out together.

5. Respect my space, and I’ll respect yours. YOU will respect my WHATEVER FRIENDS, just as I have for YOURS. YOU have no RIGHT TO TELL me who I can be with, or TELL any of my FRIENDS that you don’t like them for whatever reason.

6. I don’t want to hear your complaints about I put others(such as family, my belief, friends) before you

7. While you moved out, I will provide SOME financial help until you find a job(to be discuss in details).

B. SEPARATE WAYS AND DIVORCE

Remedy for Divorce – to be discuss in further if choose this path.

I want you to be happy, but I also don't want to live for other's dream or happiness and sacrifice my own.

Talk to your friends family if you have to...

You Need to be Honest with your self... short pain is better than long pain...

Life is too short to waste in sorrow...

I rather admit to my or our failure, and learn from the mistake, but not dwell in the past of "hate"

I don't want to "hate", as I have already have one family member that really really really do...

Even if you choose to go separate, I will still respect all friendship.

Warmest,

Joe

è  Is this fair? He flied out all the way to Taiwan to have discussion that is very unreasonable to me.  But I am so stupid; I guess I still have a hope for him.

è  I have only 2 days to decide with unclear condition, and yet I am against stupid enough to make my choice. He had two MONTHS to think about.  Mine was not 10% of his.

è  Is it fair? Life is NOT fair anyway, so please don’t talk about fairness in this life.  Do I choose my parents? I don’t.

è  All my hard working for the past 8 years was gone to the drain, no gratitude or being thankful for bringing $1500 a month to his families.  I guess they look at it as my rental fees.

è  What’s happened to him for the past six months? Joe said “I am a man and also a woman with a dick.”I want him to be capable so whoever left behind has the ability to go on in this life. He can’t see this and there is no point to argue since I am a SELFISH woman.

è  Again, all I can do just follow my heart and cry it out every night and then in this lonely room.  I am so lonely and all I can do just cry and cry and cry . . . crying is my new hobby now.

decision

Doomed Day – option and solution. Put all on the table.

Yes, he is in Taiwan and he makes an effort to fly back to Taiwan to settle things down. Feel like he is NOT my husband, he is a stranger.

Discussion with his mom was arranged in advance and all the decision was made by him with his mom approval. 
Is religious is the MAIN reason for me for not being happy? YES. . .

è “it’s gonna be tough” that the echo I heard from two ladies next to me.  I guess they have known what it will be. So sad I was the last person to know.

Should I lie for the sake of marriage?  I still love and care about him, but I just see him as a different person because I knew what he had decided.  I can see he is so stressing out; it also makes me so painful seeing him like that.

It’s so unfair for me, is it 100% my fault?

I was hit left and right by his families.

I was very upset to Jennie that day when she said Puja can be two – three hours. 

Life is full of surprises, and I don’t know how I can take it this time.

All I can do just cry it out for help every night in this small room.

God please give me strength and hope, that’s the only thing I can ask for

seeing myself in other

What's an expected weekend, Sasha and her mom are coming to taiwan for 3 days.
I was so happy to see them; I can forget my problems when I was with them - WRONG

During those days and my companion I can see myself in someone else. 

At that moments; I said, I don’t want to be a kind of person, it’s NOT how people should act or thinking.

I did not enjoy the weekend; I try to think positively and be neutral and try to smooth things out between a teenager and a mother.

So tired with all my problems and these, I guess we are human being and we are NOT perfect creation.  We have emotion, feeling, hearts and thinking, god creates us indulgently – almost perfect but NOT perfect, some with a little defects, some with a lot of defect.  But we have a choice to be better and patch those defects.

Tired. . . let me take HSR for 700NT more than 3x of the bus.